Last week, I posted about how I worry that I might not be ovulating. It’s not something that I am obsessing about, per se. It’s there, in the back of my mind, but I try to live my life normally. I’m not allowing myself to get carried away with the fear and start to consider it as a fact. The only way that I can know for sure whether or not I AM ovulating is to go through fertility testing. The general wisdom is that fertility testing can only get started if we have been trying without success for a year. So, there’s no sense in treating this fear as a potential reality until next November.

Meanwhile, I am going to keep trying, based on the premise that everything is working the way it should and I AM ovulating.

A close friend suggested that I might want to ask my doctor for a referral now, to get the process started sooner, rather than later, in anticipation of long waits to get in to see a fertility specialist. My impression of the process is that it is unpleasant, stressful, and expensive.

Our insurance doesn’t cover infertility treatments. So, finding out that we have fertility issues would pretty much be a door slamming in our faces on the whole pregnancy thing, at least until our financial situation changes.

If I’m going to find out that we cannot have children, I’ll wait the year.

In talking to my close friend, we got to the topic of: “what can you say to someone who is trying to conceive, and has not conceived yet?” Especially someone who’s not looking for tips and tricks to try to maximize her chances of getting pregnant. There’s a huge distinction between “I’m not sure what techniques to use,” and “I’m not sure that my body is working properly.”

Friends, I know that it is irritating to be hearing/reading about all of this on a daily basis. I’m sure that you sometimes think to yourselves: “Why are you telling me about this stuff if you aren’t looking for me to say anything????” I know that you are between a rock and a hard place, because there’s not really anything that anyone can say that will not eventually lead to me being all moody and thinking: “What do YOU know?” or “That’s easy for YOU to say.” Even though I know that when you were in this position (those of you who have been in this position), you were going through all the same emotions and fears. I really appreciate that you are still listening/reading.

My friend put it best when she said: “I know nothing is a guarantee and nothing except getting pregnant will answer questions.”

This is true.

It’s only been 3 or 4 months. I know it’s only been 3 or 4 months. I know that it’s still early days, and I shouldn’t be worrying about anything one way or the other right now. I am not ACTUALLY worried, yet. But I am anticipating being worried and THAT is causing me to be all over the place with things. Optimistic and assured one minute, pessimistic and convinced that I am broken the next. And sometimes I get mad at Jason for not seeming more worried about everything.

Friends of mine are pregnant. A few of them. And others are busy in the first year of raising a new baby. A few of them. And I am still trying and worried that I might not even be ovulating or that something else is wrong and we cannot get pregnant.

If one more person tells me that we haven’t been trying for that long, I might punch them in the face. I am well aware that we have not been trying for that long. My fears do not stem from the last three months of trying, they stem from my own personal history. There are very good reasons for me to worry about potential fertility issues. Consider for a moment that I might have a personal medical history that I have not shared with the general public.

I also might punch the next person who tells me to relax. If that person really knew me at all, they would know that I am remarkably unconcerned about the whole trying to conceive thing. Anyone who thinks that my current level of preoccupation with the ins and outs of trying to conceive and potential fertility issues is too much would probably have a heart attack from secondary stress inhalation if they examined my level of preoccupation with work, knitting, television series, etc… there are so many things in my life that I spend more time and energy on right now…

It is possible to be concerned about a potential health issue without being obsessed about it. I am concerned about possibly having fertility issues that might interfere with our ability to get pregnant. Despite that concern, I am trying to get pregnant in a way that is fairly casual and relaxed. I think, all things considered, that I am generally doing remarkably well at not being stressed out about the whole thing.

I was home sick again on Monday, March 8.

First of all, WTH? is up with all the sick lately?

Anyways, I hung around at home, on the sofa, watching Angel on DVD and knitting.

I made a baby slipper, which took about an hour, but I wasn’t in the mood to knit its pair right away. I’ll probably do that this evening.

I made a hat out of some chunky yarn that I’ve had for ages. I was about to start on a matching scarf, but I couldn’t decide on a stitch pattern that appealed to me, so I set that aside.

I got about 75% of the way through a wrist warmer made from Bernat Jacquard in Geranium.

Pattern: Bernat – Wrist Warmers

Swatch: Bernat Jacquard – Geranium

I’m hoping to finish it and make its pair tonight. It’s a really quick knit, because the yarn is medium weight, unlike the other wrist warmer/fingerless glove patterns that I favour which take days because they are made out of sock yarn. Obviously, this will not be a summer weight accessory, but I can wear them outdoors in the spring and fall, and in the winter sometimes the indoor temperatures are cool enough to warrant them.

I’ll post pictures of the finished projects soon. Actually, not of the hat and scarf, I am planning to give those to someone for Christmas, and I don’t want to ruin the surprise for them.

Some people really do not help with my stress levels.

This is MY blog, so I will vent about one such person right now.  This is intentionally vague.  Don’t bother posting a comment with a request for more specific details.

I was on a website that has forums and reading posts on a board about a television show that was on the air over a decade ago, that many people are only now watching for the first time.

I read a post that included a screenshot and in the post the person posting said something like “(I haven’t found out why she’s [doing what she's doing]!)”

I replied to the post with the answer to the question “why is she [doing what she's doing]?”

And I got the following reply: “You are correct, however I posted this when I was watching the series for the first time ever and wasn’t actually asking for spoilers!” (actual quote)

Here’s the thing, obviously, I misinterpreted the “(I haven’t found out why she’s [doing what she's doing]!)” and clearly violated the rules.  I don’t like that rather than pointing this out to me, the person opted instead to (kind of) give me shit for ruining the show for her.  And… the original post was 6 months ago.

I am especially indignant because there is a sticky post on the forum:

“Welcome All – Read This First!

Welcome to the [name of the show] group. While perusing the message boards please be warned – there will be spoilers. No one means to spoil new viewers’ fun, it’s all accidental.

So if you’re watching the show for the first time and want to keep everything a surprise you might want to avoid the boards.

However if you don’t mind knowing the plots a bit ahead of time, then have a great time!!!”

In retrospect, the person was probably not giving me shit for ruining the show for her, but that was my initial reaction, and writing this blog post helped me work through the “OMG I HATE EVERYONE!” to “Oh, I probably misunderstood what she meant.”

I have never knit socks, but it’s been on my mind lately.  Right now, I am working on a pair of wristlets made out of sock yarn and essentially using a sock pattern (well, the leg part of a sock pattern).  I am planning to “graduate” to socks after I have completed this project and possibly two more.  The sock yarn I have is just too pretty to be slumming it inside my shoes/boots.

I’m particularly excited about this wristlet project because I have been tweaking the pattern/design as I go.  I started off doing exactly the pattern from the sock pattern, but I wasn’t thrilled with it, and I modified the lace panel considerably.  As far as the shaping goes, that’s all in here, baby *points to her own temple*.  I feel like, in the end, I’ll be able to call this my own design, and that feels great.  [Of course, for legal and moral reasons, I cannot share this pattern with you, because it is based on someone else's work and that would be copyright infringement.  When I put up pictures of my finished project, I'll reference the name of the pattern it is based on, the name of the designer, and the book that it can be found in.]

I am starting to think that I need to put down more roots locally and develop better local friendships, especially since I will be raising my child(ren) HERE and so HERE is where I need to build a support system.  To that end, I was thinking of starting a book club and a knitting gathering here in Smiths Falls – geared specifically to women in their late 20s/early 30s, not that I wouldn’t welcome anyone else, just the aim is to meet people who are in (relatively) the same place as I am in their lives.  I am finding that my personal well-being is compromised by the choices I have made to NOT cultivate friendships locally, mostly I have been telling myself that I have really great friends and don’t need any more, but those REALLY GREAT friends all live at least 45 minutes away by car and that means we do not see each other on a regular basis. 

As a part of my attempts at anger management, I am really taking a good look at myself and the things that I do which allow stress, frustration and (eventually) rage to build up within me.  I need to socialize more, I need to spend more time doing physical activities (we borrowed a stationary bike from Jason’s parents and we have it in the livingroom pointing towards the TV), I need to read more, I need to work on projects more; I need to spend less time mindlessly surfing the internet and chatting online and blogging – not NO time, but less time.